Not Affiliated with Hormel Foods Corporation

Let us talk for a moment about spam. I’ve been noticing a lack of quality in the detritus flooding my inbox as of late. For example, I just got something in my yahoo box promising “Britney Spears pussy shots plus Paris Hilton”. Now who in their right mind would click on that? Everyone and I mean fucking everyone who wanted to see Britney’s love sleeve saw that shit months ago, and Paris, that queen of starfuckers, that goddess of media whoredom? Man, everyone’s seen her fuck on camera. These particular spammers must be living in a goddamn time warp. You’ve gotta be on top of things guys, stay topical, keep current; show me Elizabeth Edwards mammogram or some shit, you know, be relevant.

Then there’s this gem from a person claiming to be one Ddrayden Than: The nevis whom almira. Yeah, really? What is this shit? There is a theory out there amongst the leet haxors (I read slashdot sometimes) that these nonsensical subject lines are an attempt to thwart email client spam filters. For some it seems to be working. For example, my Excite.com (the forgotten web portal) account is absolute shit when it comes to filtering out spam. Subject lines like “by converter” and “no geology” get through to my proper inbox just fine, along with the ones offering me 2.6% on a loan (which, sweet jesus, would be a hell of a deal if it were true) and ones by Akimbe Akawande of the Nigerian Finance Ministry who wants to give me 5 mill (and I’ll be honest, I love those damn things; they’re such a treat over the other stuff. It’s kind of reassuring to know someone out there is still really trying).

What I really don’t get though is this new one for HGH (human growth hormone). Is there really such a demand for this shit? I mean, besides that cheating fuck Barry Bonds and his ilk in sports, does anyone want this crap?

The whole idea, at least as I see it, is to get people to click on your fraudulent emails. The loan ones are good, there’s a lot of people looking to refinance now, but I doubt there’s many expecting offers to come out of the blue yonder with downright beautiful interest rates. We need some more creative spammers, offering things people really want. A ticket on a Virgin Galactic flight would be a good one, for example. Or some kind of way to add 3 inches to my penis via a pill.